With Super Friends Like These
by Kairi 'Shadow Sage' Taylor
Summary: Updated! Card games...Foot Clan...a hacked off limb...oh, & I supppose some comedy is here too
1. Mein Gott En Himel, What Have I Done?

With Super Friends Like These….

By an extremely sarcastic Kairi Taylor

Geese Tower. Bison & Geese are going over strategy.)

Geese: So...how goes the crime trade?  
Bison: It sucks right now. Drug runs, smuggling, murder for hire, world domination...all down the toliet. All these villians care for now is just plain ol' apocalypse!   
Geese: That so?  
Bison: Look for yourself...(points to Vega.)  
Vega: No one worships my beautiful face...and there is no one beautiful enough to appreciate my greatness. But all will change...I will use the black arts of my clan to kill ALL MANKIND AS I SEE FIT!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1  
Bison: Looks like someone needs his shot of Happy Tonic! (pulls out a tranquilizer rifle & shoots a dart into Vega's neck.) See?  
Geese: Yup, I see. So what do you propose?  
Bison: I got this plan. I built a time machine. Let's use it to go back in time & get us a bunch of super villains to aid us in making crime glorious again.  
Geese: Good call. But who do we recruit?  
Bison: Well, you can forget the Marvel guys. It just wouldn't work out. Trust me.  
  
(flashback....)  
  
Acolyte: Uhhh...excuse me, all mighty Magneto?  
Magneto: Stop referring to me like that. Just 'sir' will do.  
Acolyte: Yes, O Great Leader of All Homo-Superiors!  
Magneto: *sweatdrops* Right. Well, what is it?  
Acolyte: These new warriors we recruited...they suck against the X-Men.  
Magneto: You don't say?  
Balrog: DON'T STOP ME!!!  
Beast: ...his stupidity is numbing my mind.  
Jean: I told you your little witty sayings don't work on him.  
Rouge: So, who wants to take him out?  
Jean: Let me.  
Balrog: C'MON SANDBAG!!!  
Jean: ...you're just too stupid to waste mind zapping on. (Uses Telekinesis to slam Balrog into the wall. Over & over again.)  
Vega: Your mutant powers are no match for my Barcelonan ninjitsu style!!  
Nightcrawler: RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!  
Vega: Take this, you ugly blue freak! (Dives at N.Crawler, but misses.)  
N.Crawler: .... (proceeds to teleport in front of Vega & pimp slap him across the face.)  
Vega: AHHH!!! YOU TOUCHED ME!!! NOW I'M INFESTED WITH THE MUTANT PLAGUE!!! THE PLAGUE!!!  
N. Crawler: But it's already been cured...& it was called the Legacy Virus, you twit.  
Vega: I only watched TV. So sue me.  
Sagat: ....  
Wolverine: Grrr...  
Vega: HAH!! With my strong ally Sagat, we will no doubt mop the floor with you all.  
Wolverine: I'm bad ass enough to beat ya with just one claw. An' yer buddy seems to agree with me.  
Vega: What? (sees Sagat has disappeared.) Where is he?  
  
(Grayhound bus. Sagat is sitting next to Dan, Yuri, Sakura & a sleeping Robert, holding a Hamtaro plushie.)  
  
Sagat: And you guys are...  
Dan: Looking for a better fanfic, Kusanagi slime!  
Sagat: I'm not related to Kyo, you know.  
Dan: Well, when I learn your last name, I shall insult you in the proper manner!  
Yuri: What about the hardware store?  
Sakura: And why'd you leave that battle?  
Sagat: Because one big ass scar is enough & I've become used to having the luxury of sight!  
  
(Back to the X-Men.)  
  
Cyclops: ....damnit all  
Magneto: Sorry about this...I kinda got these guys after I beat this guy named Bison.  
Jean: Look, next time we have a huge battle, can you hire acolytes that have cool powers or something? At least throw us a energy mutant or something.  
Wolverine: Or someone who's not a bishonen wanna be.  
Vega: HEY!!!

(back to the present.)  
  
Geese: Who else can we try?  
Bison: How about the Image guys?  
Geese:Ummm...no. Look outside. (Points to an unemployment office, where several heroes & villians are standing at.)  
Clown: Damn egomaniac. (Freefall floats in.)  
Freefall: At least you're not dead.  
Clown: ...(thinks to himself.) Ok, let's try not to stare directly at her snacktrays. (Gets booted in the face.)  
Freefall: Did someone forget ghosts are telepathic?  
Geese: Well, we only have one option...  
Bison: You mean...  
Geese: Yes...  
Bison: Well, why not? (Pulls out a remote & opens a portal in time.)  
Geese: ...couldn't we at least try David Xanatos?  
Bison: No. He's liable to stab us in the back.  
Geese: Who hasn't?  
  
(Both jump into the portal. Elsewhere, Kyo, Iori & Kensou are in a RPG session with Vice as GM.)  
  
Kyo: I WASTE 'IM WITH MY CROSSBOW!!!  
Iori: You know, just because we are short of funds doesn't mean you have to kill every shopkeeper.  
Kensou: You have to admit, we earn a lot of gold & weapons this way.  
Iori: Good point.  
Vice: Well, so far you wasted the shopkeeper, the blacksmith, the innkeeper, the candle maker, three beggers, the weapon smith, the barkeep & 20 minstrels...any other people you wanna massacre?  
Kyo: I keep on telling you, there's something wrong with this town.  
Iori: Well, people will act suspicious when you keep on burying crossbow bolts in their friends.  
  
(A green shaft of light fills the room as The Spectre enters.)  
  
Spectre: Ah, I found you.  
Vice: HOLY CRAP!!! IT'S HAL JORDON!!  
Spectre: Not anymore..wait, how the hell did you know who I was?  
Kyo: Check out her bio-sheet.  
Spectre: OK...collects American comics. DAMN!!  
Iori: It's an obsession really. She nearly bit my hands off when I looked through her TMNT collection.  
Kensou: That bad huh?  
Iori: Yeah.  
Spectre: Anyway, I need your help! Geese & Bison have gone back in time to recruit the Legion of Doom.  
Kensou: No, not Hawk & Animal!!  
Spectre: The OTHER Legion of Doom, you mama's ass!!!  
Kyo: Oh.  
Vice: Wait, you're a servent of God, right?  
Spectre: Yes.  
Vice: How come you're using bad language?  
Spectre: Huh? (Angel hands him a demerit.)  
Kyo: That answers that.  
Spectre: DAMN IT!!!! (handed another demerit.) OH FUCK ME!!!(and another.) JESUS CHRIST!!! (and another...) SON OF A GODDAMNED BITCH ON FUCKING WELFARE WITH A CRACKBABY & FUCKING WHORES ON THE SIDE----  
  
187 demerits later...  
  
Spectre: I hope you're happy  
Vice: ^_^

Spectre: Anyway, Bison & Geese have gone back in time & I need you to stop them.  
Iori: Why not get Ryu & the Capcom guys? They seem to fit in quite well with these types.  
Spectre:I said we needed to stop them, not have an over the top cheesefest of a fight.  
Vice: Right.  
Spectre: I'll transport you all back in time to meet with the Super Friends.  
Vice: Say...  
Spectre: No. You will NOT tell my past self that I will go berserk one day & become an all powerful being before I ultimately sacrifice my life to save Earth. It would be a bad idea.  
Vice: Damn.  
Iori: Are we getting paid for this?  
Kyo: He's an agent of God...what do you think?  
Iori: Damn morals.  
Spectre: Let's go.  
  
(The team is teleported in front of Justice League HQ)  
  
Iori: You'd think they could hire better builders.  
Kensou: Well, that's DC for you.  
  
(Meanwhile in a swamp.)  
  
Geese: Gah, this place reeks, what kinda dumbass actually enjoys living here?  
Solomon Grundy: Solomon Grundy feel at home!  
Bison: v_v  
Solomon: What wrong with funny man in red tights?  
Geese: Nothing, Hulk clone. Where's the crew at?  
  
(The HQ of the Legion of Doom rises from the depths.)  
  
Geese: You know, at least you had a complex & intricate HQ built into a volcano.  
Bison: Are you kidding? You know how many crime bosses would kill to have a HQ like your tower?  
Geese: Actually, from Billy's last estimate, 23 have tried to--  
Bison: Never mind. Let's just do this?  
  
(Geese & Bison go before the LOD.)  
  
Lex Luthor: Welcome, new comrades, to our brotherhood!  
Cheetah: AHEM!!!  
LL: What?  
Cheetah: You know. there's at least two women here  
Giganta: It's really not appropriate to say that.  
LL: For crying out loud, it's just an EXPRESSION!!!  
Cheetah: Yeah, sure, whatever pig.  
LL: Why did I even hire you?  
Giganta: Equal Female Villain Rights Union Act.  
LL: ...that is the LAST TIME we let Penguin make the deciding vote.  
Geese: Oh boy...  
Bison: Relax, just remember the plan.  
LL: So, what are your qualifications?  
Bison: I wield Psycho Power, which allows me to do things like fly at people while I'm on fire.  
Riddler: That doesn't sound too useful.  
Bison: .... (Psycho Crushes Riddler.)  
Riddler: x_X  
Bison: Care for another demo?  
Riddler: Can't talk...bleeding.  
LL: And you...  
Geese: I have tremendous skill at martial arts & manipulation of ki energy.  
Black Manta: What good is THAT?  
Geese: Let me show you...DEADLY RAVE!!!! (Beats the living hell out of Riddler.)  
Riddler: pain...never...ending...  
LL: Well, that certainly qualifies you, uh....  
Geese: Geese Howard.  
Bison: M. Bison (The LOD starts laughing.)  
Scarecrow: What kinda silly name is THAT?!  
Captain Cold: Did you escape from the zoo?  
Bison: Urge to kill...RISING!!!  
Geese: Allow me...Raging.....STOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!  
  
(Geese totally thrashes the LOD.)  
  
LL: Well, so much for my ribs....  
Geese: I motion we all vote me as head of the LOD. All in favor say 'aye'.  
LOD: Aye!  
Geese: Oppose?  
Sinestro: ...nay...  
Geese: :( DOUBLE REPPUKEN!!!!....Now, let's try this again....

Special Star effect takes us back to the Hall of Justice.)  
  
Superfriends Announcer: MEANWHILE, AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE....  
Iori: What the...  
Kyo: Who the hell was that?  
Spectre: The narrator of the story.  
Kensou: Does he have to sound like a total tool?  
Spectre: Well, to be honest, he IS a tool.  
Kensou: Oh.  
Spectre: Well, let's go see the Justice League.  
  
(The team enters the Hall of Justice.)  
  
Superman: Great Scott!! Who are you people?  
Iori: ...'Great Scott?' Is this what American chldren were subjected to in the past?  
Kyo: Yeah, in a nutshell.  
Vice: They have more idiotic catchphrases than this?  
Iori: I can only guess. (The Spectre nods.)  
Spectre: Greetings Superman. I am The Spectre & I bring you news of--  
Superman: You know, you look familiar.  
Spectre: Uh...no I don't. _ _  
Superman: I never forget a face...  
Spectre: Focus, Superman. I have brought these four fighters here to your time to--  
Superman: Have you any friends in Coast City by any chance?  
Spectre: No. Anyway I have brought these three here to aid you in...  
Superman: You know, if I was a really intelligent guy, I would guess that you are the ghostly image of an older Hal Jordan, who went berserk after Coast City is destroyed & absorbed all the power of the Green Lanterns, called himself Parallax & after many great battles, sacrificed his life to save Earth only to return as The Spectre...but that's only a silly theory.  
Spectre: _ Try to focus, Super- Fucking-Jackass. (Gets handed a demerit.)  
Superman: Hey, Hal used to say that!  
Spectre: ...great, he's on to me.  
Vice: Let me take care of this. (French kisses Superman.)  
Kyo: O_O  
Kensou: What are you doing?  
Vice: Wiping his mind, of course!  
Kyo: IS THAT HOW YOU BRAINWASHED MY DAD?  
Vice: Well, it was a last minute thing. Hypnosis is a tricky business.  
Kyo: YOU SLIPPED MY DAD THE TOUNGE?!  
Vice: Like I wanted to!!! His breath reeks of cod liver oil & bad sushi!  
Iori: Well, there's another image forced into my head.  
Kensou: I wonder if she could do the same thing with Athena...  
Iori: Cool those hormones kid.  
Superman: Uh, who are you people?  
Spectre: I'll explain.  
  
(five minutes later..)  
  
Superman: This is serious.  
Spectre: Yes, it is Superman.  
Superman: Are you SURE you're not....  
Spectre: YES DAMN IT!!! (is handed a demerit.)  
Iori: Oh boy...  
Spectre: Now, before I get another one of these, let me explain...these people are going to help you & the rest of the Justice League...  
Superman: Superfriends.  
Spectre: _...whatever..._ They are here to help you stop the LOD. (Some other Superfriends enter.)  
Batman: What have we here?  
Robin: Holy funky daywear Batman, look at what that guy is wearing!!  
Kyo: And what is wrong with my new jacket? I got tired of wearing a high school uniform. Get off my case!  
Black Vulcan: Robin's a bit...touched. Deal with it.  
Iori: Let me guess, your super hero name name has the word 'Black' in it.  
Black Vulcan: Yeah...blame Hanna Barbera's writers. Like kids can't tell I'm black.  
Aquaman: So, what are your super powers?

Kensou: Our powers? Well, I have immense kung fu skills & tremendous psychic powers...Vice & Iori wield the powers of Orochi & Kyo burns stuff. And your powers are...  
Aquaman: I can telepathically summon the creatures of the sea.  
Iori: And?  
Aquaman: I can swim really fast.  
Iori: Well, can you control water?  
Aquaman: Yeah...so long as I am underwater.  
Iori: ...Kyo, can I talk to you for a second?  
  
(Iori & Kyo leave the room.)  
  
Kyo: Let me guess...  
Iori: We are screwed if we have to rely on Aquaman to save our asses.  
Kyo: I know, I know. He's so goddamned lame. We'll have to come up with a plan.  
  
(They return.)  
  
Apache Chief: These people...seem..strong enough.  
Black Vulcan: You can talk faster Apache Chief, these people are intelligent.  
Apache Chief: THANK GOD!!! I felt my brain turning to mush.  
Kensou: ...H-B?  
Apache Chief: Damn straight!

Black Vulcan: You see, HB thought it would be best to ask the Justice League to have some more 'diverse' super heroes on their team. Namely guys like us.  
Iori: Well, that explains a lot.  
El Dorado: Yeah. I mean look at me. I have powers like teleportation & invisibility & they call me El Dorado! DO I LOOK LIKE I'M MADE OUT OF FREAKIN' GOLD?!  
Vice: Easy there, we feel your pain.  
Black Vulcan: And to top it off, I think some of the latent stupidity is catching up to us. There's no one else who's got it worse than me.  
Vice: Two words: Luke Cage.  
B. Vulcan: I stand corrected.  
Kyo: It can't possibly get worse. (The Wonder Twins & Gleeck walk in.) I gotta learn to keep my mouth shut.  
Zan: Great Jupiters Jayna, who are these freaks!  
Jayna: I don't know, Zan.  
Iori: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A FREAK YOU HOMOSEXUAL LOOKING ELF FREAK?!  
Kyo: Somehow, I think you'll be doing this a lot.  
A. Chief: Trust us, you will.

Iori: So, what should we do?  
Kyo: I guess we could evaluate all of them individually & see what we have to work with?  
Batman: What is this all about?  
Kensou: Time travel stuff. Some of our bad guys came back in time to recruit the Legion of Doom.  
Robin: Holy sinister alliances!  
Kensou: ...you know, I wonder if those guys are making any progress.  
  
(Star effects take us back to the LOD.)  
  
Narrator: Elsewhere at the Legion of---ACCCKCKKK!!!!!  
  
(Struggling sounds as someone is fighting over the microphone.)  
  
K': Hey, how's it hanging? I'll be taking announcing for this fic for now on...or something. I don't care.  
Heidern: If you wanna get paid, act like you give a rat's ass.  
K': Well, since you put it like that...OK, so Geese & Bison had a little work of their own to do.  
  
(The LOD main hall. Geese is at the head of the podium.)  
  
Geese: Geez, this is a little high. Couldn't you get a huge chair instead of this big ass podium.  
Gorilla Grodd: It wasn't *sllllluuurppp* in the budget.  
Geese: That's why you steal the merchandise. You're an evil organization, remember?  
M. Bison: You have to remember, these guys have lost more times than Dan.  
Geese: Good point.   
M. Bison: Anyway, can someone fill us in on the deal with you guys?  
LL: Sure. We are villains banded together from remote regions of the galaxy to---  
Geese: Now stop right there. First off, I just realized something. Most of you are from Earth, right?  
Scarecrow: Yeah?  
LL: The only ones from space are Bizarro, Brainiac & Sinestro. So how the hell are you from remote galaxies?  
Braniac: Geese's logic is correct. Who WAS the idiot that came up with this?  
  
(All look at Riddler.)  
  
Riddler: HEY! You try typing up mission statements at three in the morning.  
Geese: ....Well, there's going to be some radical changes to this organization!  
LL: How so?  
  
(Geese Tower, San Francisco.)  
  
M. Bison: You had a tower in San Fran?  
Geese: Well, I have more than one account. We can sacrifice this account for these guys. Anyway, I've come up with a solution to our problem.  
Bison: Look, things are dire, I know, but you didn't have to come all this far to jump off of Geese Tower.  
Geese: No, this time it's different. We're going to thin the herd a bit here.

LL: What is the meaning of this?  
Geese: It's gut check time. What's gonna happening is this: All you have to do is fall off of this tower & survive. If you do, you stay in.  
Riddler: Are you insane. Only a couple of us can survive!  
Geese: It's easy. Watch! (Geese jumps off of Geese Tower. 20 minutes later, Geese returns.) See it's simple.  
Scarecrow: Why don't you do it?  
Bison: I don't do that sorta thing. I blow up. (On cue, Bison uses Self Destruct, setting Scarecrow on fire.)  
Scarecrow: AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Plummets to his death. Bison reenters from the roof door.)  
Bison: Hey, where'd Scarecrow go?  
Geese: Ummmm...depending on whether or not you believe in such a thing, Hell I would wager.  
  
(In Hell.)  
  
Scarecrow: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
Oni: Oh be quiet!  
Scarecrow: Where the heck am I?  
Oni: You're in the Home For Infinite Losers.  
Scarecrow: Don't you mean....  
Oni: We can't say that word on American TV.   
Scarecrow: Oh. (Freeza appears.)  
Freeza: Ok, this section of the story was lame. So...how'd you get here?  
Scarecrow Fell off of Geese Tower.   
Freeza: At least you had a quick death. Try being beaten, blown up & revivedonly to be sliced, diced & reduced to atoms.  
  
(Back on Earth.)  
  
Geese: Well, we have too many evil geniuses here, so we'll start with you three. (Points to Riddler, Braniac & Luthor.)  
LL: Ummm...I think I should be excluded from this since I do provide the majority of the funds.  
Geese: Nope, no can do.  
LL: _ _ Look, it's Power Girl in a halter top!!!  
Geese: WHERE?! (Geese turns to look. Luthor pushes Riddler off.)  
Riddler: YOU SON OF A-----(dies.)  
Geese: Huh? Oh well. Now it's just down to you & Brainiac.  
Brainiac: Upon careful observation, I have determined the correct way to properly fall onto the ground at 90 MPH. Observe. (Jumps. A few seconds later, a explosion rocks the area.)  
Geese: Hmmmm...  
Bison: I guess you stay Luthor.  
  
(In Hell---er I mean Home For Infinite Losers.)  
  
Brainiac: I seem to be in another dimension.  
Freeza: Insert your own 'Bad American DBZ Dubbing' joke here ladies & gentlemen. (A few seconds later, Captain Cold joins them.)  
C. Cold: Well, that certainly sucked.  
Oni: Great, now we have enough people for a game we've been organizing!  
Scarecrow: Huh?  
Riddler: Hey, I love games! What is it?  
Oni: It's time for the HFIL version of 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' where the points don't matter & Riddler wears lily panties!  
Riddler: They're LILAC!!!  
Brainiac: O_0  
Freeza: O-KAYYYYYYl, that was unsettling...

(Switching back to JL headquarters.)  
  
K': Ok, so while Geese & Bison decided to thin the herd, our heroes as they were decided to start evaluating the Superfriends.  
Iori: Ok, state your name please.  
Samurai: I am Samurai.  
Kensou: ...you don't LOOK like a samurai. Just some guy in a old rotted vest.  
Samurai: I have the powers of the North Wind.  
Iori: Wait a sec...I just have to ask, do you have a relative by the name of Leopold Goenitz by any chance?  
Samurai: Uh...no.  
Iori: Damn.  
Kensou. Well, what can we do with him?  
Vice: I say he needs to be retrained. Wind powers are good, but from this battle footage I've seen of the Justice League, his basic combat skills are...poor.  
Samurai: I have the powers of my great ancestors to back me up!  
Kyo: True, but do you actually USE Bushido fighting style?  
Samurai: Uh...I see.  
Kyo: Ok, someone get me my Rurouni Kenshin training guide.

The next heroes...)  
  
Iori: State your names for the record.  
Zan: I am Zan.  
Jayna I am Jayna.   
Vice: And explain your powers.  
Zan: When we touch our fists, we activate our alien powers.  
Jayna: Like I can turn into any animal.  
Zan: And I can change into a form of water.  
Iori: ....water...right.  
Vice: Ummm...why do you have to touch fists?  
Zan: What do you mean?  
Vice: I mean, can't you activate your powers on your own?   
ayna: I dunno...Zan always said we had to do things together all the time.  
Iori: (whispering) Vice, please let us not take that line of questioning any further. I don't even wanna go there.  
Vice: Right...well let's see the footage.  
Zan: Ok...(Zan pops in a tape. We see footage of two monkeys, one of them Gleeck, fighting with kukiri knives. Zan's in the background with a stack of money, accompanied by Guy Gardner.)  
Guy: C'mon Gleeck, stick & move! Stick and move.  
Zan: Give him the Zal'errian Gut Twister. (A few swipes fill the air & a streak of blood hits the camera.) He ain' t pretty no more!  
Vice: 0_0  
Iori Good thing Terry is here, or he'd have a fit!!! (Terry runs in.)  
Terry: YOU SCUM!!!!!POWER DUNK!!!!!(beats the hell out of Zan.)  
Vice: Pure evil that boy...wait Terry, where did you come from?  
Terry: Spectre came & recruited me. Something about Super Dumb Ass fouling things up. I assumed he was talking about Dan of course, but then he explained about Geese.  
Iori: Right...  
Jayna: I can't believe you would subject Gleeck to that. And to think I allowed you to play...  
  
(**Ladies & Gentlemen, the following, 10 line exchange has been censored by the Knights of Standards & Practices because it is way too suggestive, way too sick & is on the borderline of vulgarity. Besides, incest humor is not funny. Wait, am I allowed to say incest. Oh shit, I just fucked up didn't I? Well to goddamned hell with that bullshit, this is the uncensored version, so I can say whatever the fuck I want!!! Here's the rest of this conversation.**)  
  
Iori: Zan, you're fired.  
Zan: Damn. Good thing I didn't bring up the---  
  
(Right, that's enough of that.)

Iori: Wouldn't it be a better idea to let the authors handle this? Those Gamefaqs guys can handle this stuff better than we can.  
Kyo: Good question. I wonder what they are up to....  
  
(The present, at a nondescript cafe...and you might understand this if you go to Gamefaqs, otherwise, it's mostly in jokes about us)  
  
Saisyu: YOU CALL UNN-KOO'S BAR WHAT?  
Kairi: Shingo, why is he looking over my shoulder as I'm typing?  
Shingo: You're asking me? I'm trying to think up of a new edition to this story.  
F. Dave: That reminds me...update BB tournament. Now, you ready Taylor?  
Kairir: Yup! (NES walks in.)  
NES: Where were you guys?  
Shingo: ...damn I thought we lost him.  
Kairi: Don't disturb us, we're trying to play a card game.  
F. Dave: Yeah, we've been trying to play all day!  
NES: Poker?  
Kairi: No, it's something I just developed. The CvS Social Board Trading Card game.  
Shingo: It's like Yu Gi Oh, but with more alternate personalities.  
F. Dave: I got my 'Saikyo Masters of England' Deck ready. How about you?  
Kairi: Heh, with the cards I got from the 'Palidor's Secret Weapons Cache' expansion pack, I'm sure you don't stand a chance! Let's duel!  
  
(Shingo looks through his own deck.)  
  
Shingo: Now, where did I put that card?

NES: What are you loking for?  
Shingo: Ah, of course! (Pulls a card out of his headband, which has a picture of Saisyu with a dead lizard in his hand.) I was hoping I'd find this. The 'Saisyu Prepares A Chi Spell' Card.  
NES: A ch spell card?  
Shingo: Well, actually, it's a delay tactic spell to buy more time.  
NES: I see...now if any of this made any sense...  
Shingo: Somehow, I knew you'd say that, so...(pulls out a huge billboard.) The game is a hybrid of Yu-Gi-Oh, Magic, Pokemon & a standard KOF game. The game's objecty is to win in two rounds. You have your choice of main fighters to use. When you lose a round you have to take out the fighter card & replace it with the next one.   
NES: How do you attack?  
Kairi: Well, you have your basic attack cards, like palm strikes, throws, punches, kicks & defense cards. You also use cards to do special attacks & weapons, like this card. (Holds up 'The Duct Tape' card.)  
F. Dave: You can also summon creatures to help you out. (The door opens & Master Tonberry comes in & gives Shingo some cards.)  
NES; Sounds complicated.  
Kairi: Trust me it's not.  
Shingo: Cool, I got some Esper cards.  
Kairi: You use summon cards like attack cards, but you can only use them one. The attack cards can be used again, but you put the summon cards in the discard pile.  
F. Dave: Also, each main fighter character card that you use has a different set of stats.   
Shingo: Yeah, like my basic card. I have low hp, but since I have a speed ability, I can do two attacks in one turn.  
NES: Ok, I see.  
Kairi: Well, for the benefit of anyone who wanna do some photoshop & make their own mock cards of this, here's the stats for our cards.  
  
S. Taylor (fighter)  
HP: 1200  
Attack: 100  
Defense: 250  
Magic Alignment: Earth  
  
Fat Dave (fighter/ranger)  
HP: 3000  
Attack: 250  
Defense: 200  
Magic Alignment: Earth  
  
Shingo (apprentince)  
HP: 1100  
Attack: 100  
Defense: 99  
Ability: Speed

Shingo: Now, is this the part where we debut the game?  
F. Dave: No, this is the part where we get back to the regular story. We'll show the card game later.  
Kairi: Yeah. Besides, this next part...is about to get as politically incorrect as I can get within the guidelines.  
Shingo: Well....we could always sneak in a Monty Python sketch.   
F. Dave: Right. Cue the next scene.  
  
(A Sakazaki dojo. Ryo is sparring.)  
  
Ryo: It's a man's life in the Sakazaki school of Martial Atrs. (Cammy steps in, with a Class A uniform on.)  
Cammy: Right, enough of that! There will be no misuse of the old British Army slogan. Get on with it!!  
  
(Back to the past. Superman is arguing with Robin.)  
  
Superman: Excuse me, miss!  
Robin: I'm a man, idiot.  
Superman: Sorry, I have a bit of a cold. I wish to register a complaint about this bat you sold me an hour ago.  
Robin: Ah yes, the uh, Peruvian Black. Beautiful wingspan. What seems to be the problem?  
Superman: I'll tell you what's wrong--it's bleeding dead, that's what's wrong with it.  
Terry: ....  
Iori: They've been doing Python sketches over an hour now.  
Kyo: And REALLY badly too. Are we sure these guys can handle the task of saving the world.  
Kensou: Well, all things considered, we don't have much choice.  
Spectre: We are the knights who say 'nee'.  
Jayna: NEE!!!  
Vice: Alright, enough of this silliness. Who do we see next?  
  
(Wonder Woman walks in)  
  
WW: So, what is this about?  
Vice: 0_0 HATCHI MATCHI!!!!!!!!  
Terry: DUDE!!!  
Iori: HOMANAHOMANAHOMANA!!!!!  
Kensou: Going...into cardiac arrest...must...mace myself...must be...true to...Athena!!  
  
(Present.)  
  
Bao: Why are you drinking like a drunkard?  
Athena: After seeing...THAT, any thought of being intimate with Kensou makes me wanna down a Jack Daniels.  
  
(Return.)  
  
WW: An intervie? Ok. Who do I need to see. (All except for Kensou & Vice are fighting.)  
  
Kyo: I SAW HER FIRST!!!!  
Iori: THE HELL YOU WILL, I'M DOING IT!! YOU ALREADY HAVE A GIRL!!!  
Kyo: SO DO YOU!!!  
Terry: SCREW BOTH OF YOU I'M DOING THIS!!!  
WW: So, what's going on.  
Vice: Forget those silly men. (Puts an arm around her.) This only needs a woman's touch, don't you agree.  
WW: I guess...  
Vice: Come with me, let us...talk.  
Kensou: Ok, who wants to bet this goes from standard Taylor comedy to ecchi fanboy fantasy comedy in one minute.  
  
(Another room...which is dimly lit. Barry White is playing in the background as Wonder Woman is seated on a velvet couch. Vice brings in a tray with a bottle of wine & two glasses and sits down near her.)  
  
Vice: Care for a Zifandel? Good grapes.  
WW: Yes, thank you. (sips a bit as Vice nonchalantly takes one button off her dress.) You're quite...friendly.  
Vice: Well, us girls should really stick together. So, any past boyfriends? (inches closer to Wonder Woman.  
WW: No. I was raised by the Amazons on our island & men are forbidden.  
Vice: You mean...no boyfriends?  
WW: It never seems to work out. (Vice inches even closer.)  
Vice: Well, there are quite a few...things I can teach you.  
WW: Really. (Vice gets REALLY close to her.)  
Vice: Oh yes...quite  
  
(Back to the present. Taylor is face first in the keyboard as Mature holds a mallet.)  
  
Mature: No, I'M the only one in Vicey pooh's life!!!  
S. Taylor: Oro?

Later...)  
  
Kyo: So, to run it down...  
Iori: We have some seriously warped superheroes working here who have more psychosis problems then all three members of the CYS band...  
Terry: And the only ones who are any use need to be retrained.  
Kensou: Right.  
Spectre: I see...and Wonder Woman?  
Kyo: Is still being seduced by Vice. (Kensou nosebleeds.)  
Spectre: I see.... u_u  
Iori: I can only wonder what the other villains are doing.  
  
(The Legion of Doom HQ, Geese Tower. A sign is at the lobby that reads 'Open Villian Tryouts.)  
  
Geese: Now this is a good idea Bison.  
Bison: Indeed, now that Riddler, Captain Cold, Scarecrow & Braniac are dead, we actually have a chance to get more useful allies.  
Geese: Well, we;ll need a few more. I just downsized Gorilla Grood.  
Bison: Why?  
Geese: Luthor made a machine that made Grood as intelligent as a normal person. And since his fighting ability is about as useful as Crystal Pepsi, I decided to get rid of him.  
Bison: I wonder whatever happened to him?  
  
(Somewhere in Japan. Grood is sharing an apartment with a young Shigeru Miyamato.)  
  
GG: You want be to be the model for what?  
Miyamato: I wanna use your likeness to create the basis for a character I've been developing. A ape, not too big.  
GG: Well, maybe you could call him Kong or something.  
Miyamato: Yeah, I suppose. But who should I pitch the idea to?  
GG: Beats me. Hey, I'm interning at this card company that's branching out to computers or something. They need a programmer.  
Miyamato: What the hell, I guess I could just eek out a couple of stuff for them.   
GG: Well, you never know.  
  
(Back to Geese Tower.)  
  
Bison: I see...  
Geese: I also fired Giganta.  
Bison: Where's she at now?  
  
(Leonardo, NJ.)  
  
Giganta: Oh well, I guess this is better than nothing. (Opens the Quick Stop & notices two small kids standing nearby.) Shouldn't you kids be at school or something?  
Jay: Naw, it's a half day, so me & Silent Bob here thought we just kick back & drink a few slurpees, ya know? Check out the chicks, get our groove, ain't that right tubby?  
Silent Bob: ....  
Giganta: Right...well, here, knock yourselves out. (Hands them a tape of Morris Day & The Time.)  
Jay: What's this !@#$ Silent Bob, you ever hear of these guys?  
Silent Bob: ....  
Jay: You still mad about that Randall !@#$%^&*@? Man, just forget about that punk ass !@#$!, he's just bitter!  
Silent Bob: ....

the Super Villain Tryouts.)  
  
Geese: Ok, give me your name.  
Killer Croc: ame's Killer Croc. Former pro wrestler turned career criminal.  
Geese: Ok, what are your qualifications?  
KC: Well...I do have super strength...plus I can swim underwater real well.  
Geese: That's good and all...but we are looking for more of a 'Savant' kind of menacing grotesque brute.  
KC: I see...darn.  
Geese: Maybe next week, if we decide to let Black Manta go.  
  
(The next applicant.)  
  
Geese: Your name?  
Metallo: I am Metallo.  
Geese: And what do you do?  
Metallo: I am powered by kryptonite. I am an equal for Superman in many ways...plus I can get you into the best hentai sites with my encrypting nodes!  
Geese: Wait the internet doesn't exist in this era.  
Metallo: I got here through a time warp. Rather weird story...  
  
(2002. Quick Stop.)  
  
Randall: I'm just saying man, since the whole supervillian thing doesn't work anymore, ya gotta go the Bil Gates way. Yopu got the smarts & the money.  
Metallo: Yeah, but I wanna cut my teeth in retail, ya know, get an insight to what people want.  
Randall: Trust me, this place is at the bottom of the monetary chain. This is where the misfits of society reign.  
Metallo: Well, two more hours 'til Dante comes back...now, what was wrong with the air conditioner in the video store.  
Randall: Oh, something about a large, interdimensional rift in the time-space continuim screwing up the air ducts.  
Metallo: Again?

(The next villian...)  
  
Geese: Are you even supposed to be here? I mean, you're normally associated with Marvel.  
????: You can trust me. I have done more damage to certain superhereos than any villian can hope to accomplish.  
Bison: Well, I've seen his resume & his handiwork...he's gotten pretty vicious over time. He would be perfect.  
Geese: Well then, welcome to the fold...Larry Hama!!!!  
Hama: Delighted.  
SFX: DA DA DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
(Present. Taylor sneezes.)  
  
S Taylor: Hmmm...I just had this weird feeling that something really stupid just happened.  
F. Dave: You mean another NES fic?  
NES: Hey, I'm still here.  
F. Dave: I know. Why?  
  
(Past again.)  
  
Geese: Well, is there anyone else?   
Toyman: Hello, what's this? (A small little clown comes his way.)  
Geese: ...say Bison...  
Bison: WAY ahead of you. (Hides behind bomb blast area. A few seconds later, as Toyman admires the little toy, it blows up.)  
Toyman: x_X (dies)  
????: AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
Geese: Well, it was only a matter of time.  
Joker: Oh, mother was always right about those things. I could put an eye out with that. Not to mention a spleen a kidney, an aeorta...  
Geese: Well well, if it isn't the last guy I'd expect to see...Joker.  
Joker: Oh, why so glum, Duck? Surely falling out of your own skyscraper isn't that depressing?  
Geese: How'd you get here?  
Joker: A time portal in the cupboard. So sue me.

(Back at JLA Headquarters, next day.)  
  
Iori: So, what do you think?  
Kensou: Well, I think we could have Batman go over some training to make him more of a useful hero. Robin on the other hand...we can't get rid of him, can't we?  
Terry: No. What about sending him on a training journey or something?  
Kyo: That could work out for us. What about Aquaman?  
Iori: I say we fire him. He is only good if he's underwater or something, otherwise he's literal dead weight.  
Kensou: Maybe not. I got a radical idea that just might work.  
Terry: Well, it it upgrades him from extremely useless to complete badass, I'm all for it.  
Kensou: Speaking of badasses, has anyone seen Vice?  
Iori: No, I haven't.  
Kyo: Me neither. (Vice walks in wearing a robe, holding a cup of orange juice.)  
Vice: Good morning!  
Iori: You're in a extremely good mood. And you only seem that happy after you either beat the snot out of somebody or you & Mature....it's the latter, isn't it?  
Vice: Yup!  
Kensou: You did what?!  
Vice: Oh, don't act so surprised! We just had ourselves a bit of...fun. At three hour intervals to be precise.  
Kyo: Um, have we gone over the acceptable ecchi limit for the day? (Wonder Woman walks in, also wearing a robe.)  
Iori: No, I don't think so.  
WW: Thank you for lending us the video camera Iori.  
Kyo: O_O  
Iori: Uh, yeah sure.  
Terry: If this isn't borderline of modding, I don't know what is.  
Iori: They're not as bad as the NES postings. And I thought Smash was bad enough.  
Kyo: Please don't remind me. I spent 3 days doing some hard drinking to forget the previous material he unleashed.  
Iori: Three days? Amatuer. Try a week of some serious sake shots!  
Kensou: I managed to blind myself with mace before I finished a paragraph.  
Terry: I had Vice wipe my memory. Tee hee hee.

(Back to the villians)  
  
Geese: Hmmm...  
Joker: Why so grim? Haven't killed a Bogard lately?  
Geese: It's not that. I'm trying to figure out what big crime we should pull of as part of the new Legion of Doom.  
Joker: Oh that...well, we could just kill a whole city of innocents. Or have a bake sale.  
Metallo: Forget that 'Kill A City' nonsense. Remember what happened to Cyborg?  
M. Bison: Oh yeah, that. You know, maybe we should call in Darkseid. The tem needs a real good heavy hitter.  
Geese: Hey, yeah.  
Sinistro: I tried. I can't seem to get anyone to answer the communicator. It's like the planet disappeared from the cosmos.  
  
(A day earlier, planet Apokolyps.)  
  
Darkseid: I wonder how I can convince Wonder Woman to become my bride?  
Desaad: Uh, I have a suggestion...how about making this planet look like regular people can actually WORK here? It's a worker's comp nightmare!!!  
Darkseid: What do you mean? It's a glorious representation of my awesome godly power!  
Kalibak: Godly power my ass! You got whupped by Superman.  
Darkseid: This is because I wouldn't give you plastic surgery for your birthday, isn't it?  
Kalibak: DING DING DING!!! You actually got a clue, 'father'!!  
Desaad: Besides, we got more pressing things to worry about than you trying to bed Wonder Bra!  
Darkseid: Like what?  
Desaad: That. (Points to Galactus, who is standing outside.)  
Galactus: I hunger...  
Darkseid: Oh #$%^!!! Quick, we need to perform extreme tactical measures!  
Desaad: Right! I'll call Taco Bell!!!  
Galactus: I hunger for a planet, jackass.  
Darkseid: You don't wanna eat us. Try New Genesis.  
Galactus: I did...who do you think sent me?  
Desaad: ...those hippie, peace loving bastards are more evil than I calculated.  
Galactus: But this planet is too, well, %^&%$# up for my appetite. I'll go somewhere else...(flies off)  
Darkseid: Wonder where he went....  
  
(Planet of the Apes.)  
  
Galactus: Now THIS is more like it.  
Dr. Saius: Damn. First the humans & now this. I'm ending it all. (blows his brains out.)  
  
Darkseid:Well, I guess that crisis is averted.  
Desaad: Uh....(looks outside.)  
Granny: Holy !@#$%, what is THAT?!!! (sees a even worse threat than Galactus in the sky...UNICRON!!!)  
  
(aboard Unicron.)  
  
Unicron: **What planet is this?**  
Galvatron: It's a planet called Apokalyps, described as a festering boil of the universe. It emits 20 different noxious gases & all tourists are promptly tortured on sight as a tradition upon the first day of arrival.  
Unicron: **Hmmm, looks tasty. I'll eat this.**  
Galvatron: And what of New Genesis?  
Unicron: **Screw it. Not even Galactus wanted a bite of it**  
  
Desaad: Any ideas?  
Kalibak: How about bending over & kissing my ass goodbye?  
Desaad: Tempting...  
Kalibak: ....amazing what I learn before my grotesque demise at the hands of a planet eater. Any ideas Dad?  
  
(Darkseid has jumped through a Jump Gate.)  
  
Kalibak: ...bastard. (Apokolyps is eaten.)  
  
(The present.)  
  
S. Taylor: Ok. let's shuffle our cards.  
F. Dave: Alright. (A jump gate appears.)  
S. Taylor: What the hell is THAT?!  
Shingo: Looks like a dimensional gateway. (All look at NES.)  
NES: What? I did nothing!!!  
F. Dave: Yeah, right! Mr. 'Abuse Time & Space Eo His Whims' Sonic has nothing to do with this.  
NES: I'm serious!! (Darkseid walks out.)  
Darkseid: Hmmm...  
Shingo: You sure make some odd friends...  
NES: Very funny!  
Darkseid: I guess now that my planet is cannon fodder, I can rule here.  
S. Taylor: Right. Before we have your ass kicked, are you connected in any way to the perverted hedgehog over here?  
Darkseid: No. I have standards. Now bow before your ruler!!  
Shingo: Stay cool. I got this one. (dials number. Orochi appears.)  
S. Taylor: Since when do you have Orchi on speed dial.  
Shingo: Since NES had that godawful casino trip you were an unwilling part of.  
F. Dave: Don't remind me. And we need to talk about my therapy bills...  
NES: Oh boy….

Darkseid: And who might you be, inferior being?  
Orochi: I am one with 'Gaia'. I am a living weapon of Heaven.  
Darkseid: And I see you have a suckass tattoo artist. What, did little Billy Fergusion forget how to draw a dragon? What a load!!  
Orochi: ...can I kill him now?  
Shingo: Sure, go ahead.  
F. Dave: Knock yourself out.  
S. Taylor: Make it quick.  
Darkseid: Behold the fist of a titan!!! (punches Orochi several times...but Orochi is not noticing as he is staring at NES.)  
NES: ...  
Orochi: ...  
NES: What?!  
Orochi: I can't believe you STILL won't listen to all those warnings Taylor gave you. (Darkseid is still punching at him.)  
Darkseid: Uh...hello?  
NES: Hey, I'm just trying to leave a good impression, that's all.  
Orochi: Yeah, you make a good impression all right...right over the walls!!!  
Darkseid: Hello?  
NES: At least I didn't get my ass kicked by Iori & Kyo!  
Orochi: WHAT?! At least I'm not a freaky pervert who seems to think gang rape images are interesting!!!  
NES: AT LEAST I'M GETTING SOME!!!  
Darkseid: Ok, time for my EYE BEAMS OF DOOM!!! (eyes glow orange.)  
Orochi: (pushes Darkseid away.) Step aside little man! Some thwack is gonna be thrown down & we wouldn't want you to get hurt!!  
NES: The only one getting hurt is you!!!  
Darkseid: This is a new low for me...


	2. The Passion of The Orochi Or, God has Fo...

K': So, after a bit of scavenging, the all new & semi-improved Legion of Doom found their new HQ  
  
(Outskirts of Manhattan.)  
  
Geese: Now THIS is more like it. See, this is what an evil hideout should be like. A mansion was the perfect idea.  
Solomon: But Solomon Grundy loved the swamps.  
LL: The truth of the matter, Grundy, is that we all got tired of smelling like gator shit & it was the only place we could hide within our previous price range.  
Joker: Yeah, yeah, look when do we go & get to kill some people? I haven't fired a shot off since we arrived in this city.  
Geese: Patience.  
Bison: Now first thing's first. We need an agenda.  
Black Manta: You mean, we're gonna take over the world, right?  
Geese: No. You have to start small. We need to establish ourselves in this city first. We'll become the most dominate crime family in the city.  
LL: Good plan.  
Cheetah: But aren't there other mafia families in this area?  
Geese: Relax. We have more than enough firepower in our favor to deal with these goombas. Who could possibly stop us?  
  
Author's Note: In case you are wondering, all of this is taking place in the year 1979, so the introduction of the next characters will make sense, since they are around in 1984 & have been established as a formidable force...  
  
(Somewhere in Downtown Manhattan. the headquarters for the Foot Clan.)  
  
Foot Soldier: Excuse me, honorable master...  
Oroko Saki: Not now! Can't you see that I am perfecting my bonsai style?!  
Foot Soldier: It's rather important.  
Saki: More important than the time honored custom of arranging the delicate balance & symmetry of one of Japan's greatest pleasures? For shame!  
Foot Soldier: Well, it's about Lex Luthor.  
Saki: Oh, THAT loser. What about him, he get whooped by those idiot superdummies?  
Foot Soldier: Uh, actually, he's got some new partners. And word on the street is that they are coming to Manhattan to take over!  
Saki: WHAT? Like hell they will. Call the Foot Clan to order. We need to have an emergency tea ceremony session.  
Foot Soldier: They're still doing aerobic training with the female ninjas  
Saki: ...you mean the new 'extra bouncy' members we inducted?  
Foot Soldier: Yes sir.  
Saki: Well, I'll give them five more minutes. And tell them to take a cold shower before the meeting!!

(The meeting.)  
  
Oroko: Ok fellow Foot Clan members, we are here to discuss a very important matter.  
Foot1: Uh...is this about those pictures we took of the female recruits in their swimwear?  
Oroko: No...and see to it that those pictures are delivered to me tonight ASAP.  
Foot1: Yes sensei.  
Oroko: As you no doubt have heard, the Legion of Doom has gone underneath some radical changes. There are set to move in on our territory. From what I've learned, they've gone under some substantional training. We'll have to be on our toes.  
Foot2: Begging your pardon sensei...but these guys are dumbasses!  
Foot3: Yeah. I mean, for the love of all things bouncy, these mooks don't even know how to throw a punch!  
Foot4: Well, some of them do possess great powers that could wipe out most of the world's population.  
Oroko: Remember students...we're ninjas. That already makes us huger badasses than before. I only wonder what kind of training the goofs are up to.  
  
(Legion of Doom HQ.)  
  
Geese: An instructional video?  
Bison: These guys don't even know what a punch is. Watch...hey Black Manta, throw a punch.  
Black Manta: Uhhhh...what is this 'punch' you speak of?  
Bison: See?  
Lex Luthor: I think I've heard of this 'punch' you talk about. Does it involve hand movement?  
Bizarro: Bizarro once heard of something used with legs called a 'kick'.  
Geese: ....my God, we are in trouble.

(Geese sets up the VCR & TV)  
  
Geese: Ok, pay attention. (Yashiro appears on screen.)  
Yashiro: Hi, I'm Yashiro! You may remember me from such classic martial arts films as 'She Kicks REAL High!', 'Samurai Tennis Wars', or 'Attack of The Wu Tang Nuns!'. Well, I'm here today to teach YOU, the future superhero or villain, The Art of Fighting!!  
Ryo: Did someone call for me?  
Yashiro: Get your own instructional video! Anyway, first things first! You must learn to use your arms. Just ball up your fist like so. Then thrust out with your might. Remember, Ball & Thrust!  
Joker: I can think of several uses for anything involving the words 'ball' & 'thrust'. But Gamefaqs frowns on kinky humor.  
Bizarro: Let Bizarro try that out. (Bizarro throws a punch...knocking Black Manta through a wall.)  
BM: That hurt!  
Geese: Yes, it should. That's the point.  
Yashiro: A kick is the same thing. Show them Shermie.  
Shermie: Sure. (Shermie does a high kick, showing...look, do I need to spell that out? She wears a very short skirt, she kicks high, you do the math! I'm not needed to point out the obvious. If you're reading this, you've already know how borderline ecchi this is! And another---)  
Geese: Yes, we know. Get on with the story!  
Joker: Get on with it!  
Mature & Vice: And get back to the Wonder Woman Scene!  
S. Taylor: Right...how did you people get in my room...  
Gamefaqs Cast: GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!  
  
(Right...)  
  
Yashiro: Good work...uh, could you kick more like that?  
Metallo: Just how long does Yashiro have her kicking?  
Geese: Uh...five minutes.  
Joker: Well, it's stimulating educational mild ecchi! I wish we had more of it.

(Elsewhere, at JLA Headquarters)  
  
Batman: So, what are we doing/  
Vice: I'm going to train you to be a pure whoopass dark avenger of justice!  
Robin: What about me?  
Vice: You, my dear, just need to take the remedial course I have set up! Maybe you should train with Samurai & Kensou.  
Batman: Where is Samurai now, anyway?  
  
(Outside, Samurai, dressed as a ninja, duels it out with Kensou using two bokken. Kensou has a bokken of his own & is dealing out a vicious attack.)  
  
Kensou: Be one with the Void! Strike with the swiftness & fury of a tornado!!  
Terry: You learned all this from watching Rurouni Kenshin?  
Kensou: Actually, I had this book too!  
Terry: Hmmm...Miso Soup For The Bushido Soul by Motoko Aoyama.  
  
(Back)  
  
Vice: Now you have to remember WHY you're fighting evil.  
Batman: Because it's the right thing to do?  
Vice: No, not just that! Think back...way back...now why did you get into the business in the first place?  
Batman: Of course! How stupid of me! It's so plain as day....because I REALLY love the Lone Ranger!  
Vice: Damn HB! Looks like it's time for a little therapy! C'mon! (Pulls Batman towards a booth.)  
Iori: This will get messy.

(A booth is in the center of the room where Vice has a booth with huge helmet inside.)  
  
Batman: What is this?  
Vice: I have constructed a booth that will serve to assist you in your training to rediscover your Dark Knight heritage.  
Batman: Really? How?  
Vice: Well, it works in a similar fashion to Cerebro, except for a few differences. Now strap on the helmet.  
  
(Outside)  
  
Iori: What's going on?  
Terry: I dunno. Been awfully quiet for a few minutes.  
Batman's Voice: EEEEEEEEEEEUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
Terry: I see we're making progress.  
  
(A few hours later....)  
  
Kyo: So, how'd the session with Batman go?  
Vice: See for yourself. (Points to a news report. Several villains in Gotham have had the holy tartar sauce beaten out of them.)  
Kyo: DAMN!!! Where's Batman now? (  
Batman: Behind you.  
Kyo: GYAHH!!! How'd you do that?  
Batman: Trade secret. Where's Robin?  
  
(Present.)  
  
NES: Now watch as my super sonic speed totally owns you!  
Gill: You don't HAVE supersonic speed, you stupid bastard.  
NES: GYA!!!!  
  
(Dives at Gill. Gill sidesteps & pimp slaps NES across the face.)  
  
Robin: I always thought that Aquaman was the lamest excuse for carbon based life forms. He has proved otherwise.  
S. Taylor: Ah, the Sarcasm flows well in this one.

K': Meanwhile, The Legion of Doom was doing some preparations of their own.  
  
Cut to a lab. Braniac is hooked up to a series of machines as Joker is typing away at a computer.)  
  
Joker: Fuck tha police, coming straight from Gotham's underground, a young crook got it bad cause I'm a psycho clown! (Bison enters.)  
M. Bison: Hey, what are you doing?  
Joker: Ah, just dabbling in a bit of the ol' mad science, Captain Firehands! I got this brilliant idea from the much maligned cinema of tomorrow.  
M. Bison: What do you have?  
Joker: Well, I got this idea from watching 'The Matrix'. I've uploaded a series of files on various martial arts, like Kung Fu, Sambo & Batman's personal favorite, ninjitsu. I'll upload them to Brainiac's database & in a short time, he'll be a 100% whoopass machine.  
M. Bison: Sweet. Wish I thought of that.  
Joker: Hey, not all of us are geniuses. Can't you use to Psycho Drive? It's similar.  
M. Bison: Good idea. While you're at it, maybe you should hook Metallo up to this.  
Joker: I did. He's testing it out on the streets now.  
  
(NYC. Metallo is robbing a bank.)  
  
Policeman: FIRE!!!  
  
(Several SWAT members fire at Metallo. But Metallo dodges the bullets just like Agent Smith.)  
  
Metallo: Whoa.  
  
(Several hours later...Braniac emerges from the lab.)  
  
Braniac: I know Kung Fu.  
M. Bison: Show me.  
  
(Cut to a training area. Braniac is dressed in a traditional Kung Fu jacket. Bison has on a Shaolin Monks robes)  
  
Geese: I didn't know you knew Shaolin style.  
M. Bison: Yeah, well after overdosing on G Gundam & Once Upon A Time In China, you do some crazy shit.

(Braniac assumes a stance as Bison prepares himself.)  
  
Joker: Ok gentlemen, this is an all out kung fu battle of epic proportion. No hitting below the belt, since we both know one of you has nothing there...  
Braniac: Hey...  
Joker: No biting, no eye gouging, no cheap, hyped up Level 3 Screen Filling supers, no charging up ki energy for 5minutes, no drawn out posturing dialogue, no 'off to another dimension' remarks and no ki blasts.  
Bison: Fine by me.  
Braniac: Let's go  
  
(The two fight....Elsewhere, in a lab...)  
  
Lex: AHAHA!!! I've done it! At last my most fiendish invention yet has been made!  
Geese: What?  
Lex: I have genetically created a race of beings that will cause social & mental havoc to all the common folk.   
Geese: Excellent. Are they some kind of super ninja?  
Lex: Worse.  
Geese: WORSE than a ninja? Be real. Ninjas totally rule.  
Lex: Not as much as pirates.  
Geese YOU WISH! I once saw a ninja take out a whole ship full of pirates in one night! All while eating a bowl of Trix!  
Lex: BAH!!! I've seen pirates sink battleships in their jammies! And ninjas can be bought at a dime a dozen.  
  
(HQ of The Foot.)  
  
Oroko For some reason, I have the urge to kill Lex Luthor.

K': And so, The LOD and the Justice League continued to train....and Lex Luthor's brilliant invention was destroyed by Joker for being, quote, 'totally gay. Seriously Lexie, it was in the closet'….10 days later, after some serious battle training, revamping & such, the story was ready to be told...thanks to a certain person...  
Smash: Update, damn you!!!! Type like the wind!!! (Taylor is typing furiously, a headband with candles strapped to his head.)  
Taylor: Must...continue...to code!!! Sleep...not needed!!! Comedic integrity...MUST BE MAINTAINED!!!!  
Terry: What did you say to him to get his ass away from the TV?  
Smash: Oh, just reminded him that NES & snafu were planning on hijacking this story! Anyway, let's return to the funny!  
  
(JLA HQ. Batman is typing furiously as Vice enters.)  
  
Vice: You've been at this for hours. Don't you ever get tired?  
Robin: The same could be said for the nocturnal activities that you & Wonder Woman engage in.  
Batman: I've been tracking the movement of some weapons that have gone missing a few days ago. Potent stuff.  
Vice: Hmm...any idea who did it?  
Batman: I have a clue about it...but I couldn't concentrate over those screams of terror coming from outside. Is Aquaman still training with Iori?  
Vice: Yeah. We're still trying to make him as badass as possible.  
Robin: But you have so little to work with.  
Vice: Don't remind me...  
Batman: Anyway, I think the LOD is getting ready to make their move. Their target will be in Wall St.  
Robin: What makes you so sure?  
Batman: Their whole modus operandi has been money. Nothing more, nothing less. Purely one dimensional.  
Robin: You mean like the Nixon administration.  
Vice: He said one dimensional, not harebrained.  
  
(Outside. Aquaman is limping as he goes to fight Iori again.)   
  
Aquaman: You know, I understand why we have to keep sparring and everything...but...  
Iori: Yes?  
Aquaman: WHY DOES HE HAVE TO KEEP SHOOTING ME IN THE ASS EVERYTIME I MISS A PUNCH?!!! (Points to Green Arrow, who is holding a blowgun.)  
Green Arrow: Because it's funny.  
Aquaman: For who?  
Iori: Anyway, we're gonna practice a melee fight. It'll be you against me, Kensou & Samurai. (Samurai walks in with two katanas.)  
Samurai: So, explain it to me again...what are these things called 'Sword-chucks'?  
Kensou: Only the most advanced weapon in all of swordplay.  
Aquaman: Sword chucks, eh? Bah, forget this trident!!! (tosses his trident away...which then impales Apache Chief.)  
Apache: Damn...that sucks. (dies)  
  
(Back inside)  
  
Superman: So...how did you go from being the King of Fighters to the second strongest brawler?  
Terry: Honestly, I don't know. I mean they could at least acknowledge that I was a KOF champ before. And for that matter, I wanna know why my character was so downgraded in Mark of The Wolves. I mean honestly, at least Kyo regained a lot of priority in CvS 2. Anyway, what were we talking about?  
Superman: You wanted to know how I can go to the bathroom without destroying the toilet.  
Terry: Yeah.  
Superman: Well, it's rather simple...I mean, I farted & I didn't destroy the back seat of my---  
Aquaman's voice: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!OH HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!!! MY ARM, MY GODDAMNED FUCKING ARM!!!! DAMN IT!!!  
Superman: Uh oh...the quiche is burning.  
Terry: Was that Aquaman screaming in agony?  
Superman: Yeah. Better go see what's wrong with Aqua-wuss.

(The JLA infirmary.)  
  
Superman: So, what happened?  
G. Arrow: Funny story really...  
Kensou: Aquaman decided that he wanted to trade in his trident for sword-chucks.  
G. Arrow: And after accidentally killing Apache Chief, he started to use them.  
Superman: So, why was he crying in agony?  
Kensou: Two things really. One, Aquaman is damn good with a trident and all, but he has no formal training with swords. And two, he didn't realize that the experimental sword chuck prototype I was developing had a short chain. In short...  
G. Arrow: He loped off his hand.  
Terry: Say, I've been meaning to ask, when did you join the JLA?  
G. Arrow: It was a couple of days ago...  
  
(Star City. Vice is talking with Green Arrow.)  
  
G. Arrow: So, what do you want with me?  
Vice: We've got an opening in the JLA that we need filled...and keep all dirty jokes to yourself, buster!  
G. Arrow: Read me like an open book.  
Vice: Wanna join?  
G. Arrow: What's the benefit package?  
Vice: You get to shoot arrows in Aquaman's ass.  
G. Arrow: Cool. Count me in.  
  
(back)  
  
W. Woman: You mean, you've been letting everyone else shoot Aquaman in the ass & didn't tell me?  
Vice: Yeah....but why would you wanna shoot him?  
W. Woman: Have you ever shared a vehicle with him? Do you know what it's like hearing that dumbass complain about his damn sidekick, Aqualad & a 500 pound sack of useless blubber called Tusky? The man's supposed to be able to swim at supersonic speeds, but guess who's stuck flying his Atlantic derriere around like he's got his own Air Force One? And the fish jokes!! He thinks he the next George Carlin or something with his material. And it smells like a goddamned WHALE everytime he leaves the Invisible Jet. For that matter, WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE A GODDMANED INVISABLE JET!!! I CAN FLY, DAMN YOU!!!!  
Vice: Easy there, luv, easy! (rubs WW's shoulders.) Just do what we do in our sessions...  
Robin: You do, & we'll be violating every TOS Law in Gamefaqs history.  
Vice: Not that, Boy Pervert!! I mean the meditation skills...just go to your happy place...  
W.Woman: Ah, my happy place...(kicks Robin in the groin as she closes her eyes.)  
Robin: AUUUUUGHHHH!!!  
Terry: What kind of happy place do you have?  
Kensou: Apparently, the kind where great pain induced to Robin brings her happiness.

(Aquaman leaves the infirmary, a large metal hook replacing his missing hand.)  
  
Aquaman: Wouldn't it be easier to reattach my old hand?  
Doctor: Well, yeah...but a hook is so much more Feng Shui.  
Aquaman: You don't even know what the fuck Feng Shui is, do you?  
Doctor: No...look, it'll be a while before your hand can become reattached with the equipment I have, so just chill out.  
Aquaman: Sure, ok.   
Robin: Ahoy, Capt. Hook! Request permission to come aboard!  
Aquaman: Grrr....(raises to stab Robin with the hook, but Iori stops him.)  
Iori: Easy there, Sharkmaster. We need the runt alive.  
Aquaman: Whatever.  
Iori: Now that you've got your hand fixed up, we need you for a mission. It looks like the LOD is making their move.  
Aquaman: Lemme guess...it's out in the middle of the ocean, right?  
Robin: Duh...where else do you think we'd send you, the desert? You're practically useless everywhere else.  
  
(Not amused, Aquaman smashes his foot into the back of Robin's head.)  
  
Aquaman: Silence, you!!!

Iori: It looks like the LOD may have a weapons cache hidden out in an old abandoned tanker. Take Kensou & Robin with you.  
Robin: Why should I go with the walking embarrassment to superheroes?  
Iori: This mission will build character for you...  
WW: Unless, of course, you want another crotch kicking from yours truly.  
Robin: I'll go with flounder maestro then.  
Aquaman: I swear, I'm gonna gouge your eyes with this hook first opportunity I get.  
  
(Meanwhile, in uptown NYC, at a deli...)  
  
Deli Owner: Why should I give you money for protection?  
Joker: Oh, several reasons, chum. We wouldn't want your store to get burned down because of say, faulty explosives, or something to damage your reputation. People would say things if Rabbi Libowitz was to die from eating some bad lox.  
Braniac: You know, not every Jewish person eats bagels & lox...  
Joker: Quiet, I'm on a roll.  
D.O.: You'll be displeased to know that I already am paying money to another criminal empire.  
Joker: Who, that 500 pound walrus called Kingpin?  
D.O.: No...worse.  
Braniac: Who could be worse than him?  
  
(suddenly, several Foot Ninjas, armed with legal books, appear & surround the two.)  
  
Joker: This is not pleasant.

Foot Ninja: You are to cease & desist all actions you were planning in this place of business, or face the wrath of the Foot Clan's most elite enforcers.  
Braniac: And that would be...  
F. Ninja: Law-ninja!  
Joker: That doesn't make sense! I thought all you guys ever did was totally flip out & kick people's heads off or kill pirates or something.   
F. Ninja: The ninja must be able to adapt himself to any sort of situation. Even the common & mundane task needs attention.  
Braniac: But what is the hell's a Law-ninja.  
F. Ninja: We enforce the codes of proper criminal action in a given area.  
Joker: Look, pajama boy, normally, I'd give you both a nice, healthy dose of laughing induced death, but ever since I took Geese's seminar on being assertive & intimidating, let me inform you on a couple of things...  
  
(As the Joker is talking, a form is pasted rather quickly on his wrist.)  
  
Joker: I am a man who fears nothing. Not a darn thing. I have thoughts in my mind that would turn even the sturdiest of angels into a quivering mass of feathers! I do things that make Hitler & Attila look like amateurs! Mob bosses tremble at the mere mention of my name! I have given CIA members nightmares just by merely guffawing. No, let not this pale, bone-white skin fool you with it's green tinged hair or blood red lips locked in an eternally eerie grin which would terrify Death itself---I am the Joker, a man not to be trifled with.  
Braniac: Uh...you have a legal document on your lapel.  
Joker: What the...'you are in violation of Mafia-Yakuza Non Aggression Act 76756, Section 1, which states that members of any and all gangs/families/ninja clans will not encroach on any 'territory' of the party in question. If not complied with, extreme measures must be taken to enforce law.'...What does this mean?  
  
(The Joker finds himself surrounded by several more Foot Clan ninjas in white, all holding swords at his throat.)  
  
Braniac: One of the advantages of being a robot is that I am unable to shit my pants right now. This is something that humans would do at this point.  
Joker: Shut up & negotiate a treaty.

(meanwhile back at the oil tanker.)  
  
Robin: And another thing...WATERBALLS? What kind of plankton were you ingesting when you thought THAT up?  
Aquaman: I'll have you know, kid who fights crime in green panties, that the concussive force of the projectiles I create underwater is over 2000 pounds, more than enough to cause some serious damage to your frail human ribcage. The Atlantean Army uses these as a first strike tactic against invaders.  
Kensou: Are you two quite done? We have a mission here to accomplish, you know.  
Aquaman: Sure, just as long as Robin stops with his '1000 Reasons Why Aquaman sucks Ass' presentation.  
Robin: It's gonna win me the Nobel!  
  
(The trio enter a room with a freight elevator.)  
  
Kensou: A steak dinner says this leads to the enemy base.  
Robin: Duh.  
Kensou: Quiet you.  
  
(The elevator leads down to a seemingly abandoned military base.)  
  
Kensou: Wow...the LOD are really going all out.  
Robin: I'll say. Looks like they're planning a war. (Black Manta appears on a balcony, armed with a rifle.)  
Black Manta: Ah, my old nemesis, Aquaman...see they stuck you with the Boy Blunder.  
Aquaman: Yeah, tell me about it. I have to put up with the cocksucker & his sarcasm the whole trip here.  
Robin: Hey!  
B. Manta: Geez, did they cut your hand off?  
Aquaman: Nah, my fault really. Stupid sword chucks & stupid law of science.  
Kensou: Where's Geese & Bison?  
B. Manta: Beats me...you must be Sie Kensou.   
Kensou: Yup.  
B. Manta: So...you & Athena...  
Kensou: No. Dear lord I wish, but no.  
B. Manta: Anyway, I ditched the LOD a while ago. Damn training regiments were brutal & there was no guarantee that I could rule the seas.  
Aquaman: Technically, & I'm just saying it, it would be over my dead body.  
Robin: Oh, how I wish...  
B. Manta: I think I could arrange that. Meet my new business partners...  
  
(The area is flooded with lights. Hundreds of soldiers surround the trio.)  
  
Soldiers: COBRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!  
Kensou: ...Excuse me?

(The author's office.)  
  
Joker: TIME OUT!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?  
Taylor: Uh...plot twist.  
Joker: Plot twist my ASS!!! You're running out f ideas for a story that's been up for almost a year! Now get me some A material or...  
  
(Taylor pulls out a shotgun & shoots Joker in the chest.)  
  
Taylor: Oh dear, seems that our esteemed companion, the Clown Prince of Crime has had an 'accident'. How ever will I cope with a lost character? (Harley Quinn walks in.)  
HQ: I need a job. My last gig kinda exploded...on accident...all over down town Raccoon City...or what's left of it.  
Taylor: Sure. You'll be filling in for the deceased Joker.  
Orochi: Uh, he s not quite dead.  
Taylor: Right, you'll be substituting for the mortally wounded Joker.  
Dave: He's getting better.  
Taylor: (nods to Quinn) She will be filling in for the Joker, who by a stroke of luck manages to escape the icy grip of the reaper & at the last second...  
  
(Quinn pulls out a semi automatic & pumps him full of lead death.)  
  
Dave: No, wait, he's dead.  
Taylor: Right! She will be filling in for the recently deceased.  
DC Lawyer: Ha! We just said he was going t die just to boost comic sales! He's only really dead for 5 minutes.  
Quinn: No, he's a goner.   
DC Lawyer: Oh...wait, is this Nov. 2001?  
Taylor: No.  
Lawyer: Right. Sorry about that. (leaves in a whirlwind.)  
Taylor: What an eccentric fellow.

Kensou: Cobra? Freakin' COBRA!!!!  
B. Manta: Yeah. See, it's a long story. But let my associate here explain it all.  
  
(From out of the shadows steps Larry Hama.)  
  
SFX: Duh Duh DUUUUHHHH!!!  
Hama: I thought we fired that guy.  
Robin: Perfect, I'm trapped in a dumbass convention...please, someone, anyone give a back-story.  
B. Manta: Gladly.  
Hama: You see...  
  
(a few days back...Manta & Hama are getting coffee.)  
  
Hama: This blows!  
B. Manta: Yeah! Geese reducing us to secretarial duties! What a load! If his fists didn't hurt every time they make contact with my abdomen, I would've kicked his ass.  
Hama: Totally! (Major Bludd walks by.)  
Bludd: Hey, Larry, long time no see. How've you been?  
Hama: Bludd? What are you doing in the late 70's?  
Bludd: What are you talking about?  
Hama: Oh right, you don't know I'm future Larry...  
Bludd: Whatever mate.  
Hama: Listen, there wouldn't be any openings in Cobra for an officer, would there?  
Bludd: Actually, yeah. We need someone to help with our weapons department. And we also need some extra hands with the Cobra Social Mixer. Who's the bloke with the mask.  
B. Manta: Black Manta...what's a guy gotta do to get recruited?  
Bludd: Oh, something mean & nasty for starters.  
  
(Black Manta nods, then takes a baseball bat & hits an old lady in the kneecaps.)  
  
B. Manta: Ok.  
Bludd: I said mean & nasty.  
B. Manta: What's so wrong about hitting an old lady in the knee caps? Would you rather I shot a litter of puppies?  
Bludd: No. The Baroness would not like that.  
  
(Back...)  
  
B. Manta: Come to think of it, hitting an old lady in the knee caps was a little out there. The puppies was a bit much too. And the orphans...  
Robin: **ENOUGH!!!** That's it, time to take decisive action.   
Kensou: I'll say. Besides, I don't get enough screen time!  
Robin: What do you propose we do.  
Kensou: For you, just stand there & look pretty. For me? This. (removes his gloves)  
Aquaman: What are you gonna do, pimp slap them to oblivion?  
Kensou: Pay attention, you might learn how to be as cool as me.  
  
(Present Day)  
  
Athena: Why do I have the sudden urge to backhand Kensou?

**And now we interrupt the story for a special demo, courtesy of the author & friends.**  
  
Taylor: You! You've waited long enough, so here's my brainchild: welcome to the CvS Social TCG!  
Robin: I'm all atingle, you lazy bastard.  
Taylor: Hush. Now then, if you wanna create your own cards, I hope you have Paintshop. Your deck is a theme deck, like say 'Dave's Saikyo Master!' deck. The deck consists of:  
  
-main character card  
-weapons & equipment cards  
-defense & counter cards  
-special attack cards  
-magic card  
  
Dave: Thems a lot of cards, mate!  
Taylor: Yup. Now then, the game is in a way similar to a fighting game, but with a touch of RPG elements. Your main character card is the one that will be doing the fighting. Each character has a particular element & specialty. This one, for example...(Holds up 'Shingo The Apprentice of Black Magic') can do black magic based attacks better.  
Robin: Hmmm...  
Orochi: Let me see this card....  
  
Shingo  
Attack-1500  
Def-1200  
MP:200  
KP:200  
  
Orochi: These look different from earlier in the story.  
Taylor: Consider those beta cards.  
Robin: Right. Now then, what's KP? I know MP is considered magic.  
Taylor: Ah yes. AP is what fuels an special attack. Just like Magic, Ki requires energy to use. But before we confer that, let us cover basic combat  
  
(Dave & Taylor sit down.)  
  
Dave: Each player has LP of 6000. At all times, you'll need to have four cards in your hand. The main character card will be on the table.   
Taylor: You character can opt to use weapons or items during the match. A character can use a combination of two weapons for each hand, a two handed weapon, or two items. The weapons will add to the characters attack power, of course.  
Dave: Like this card here. (Puts a card with a picture of a scimitar) This adds 175 attack points to his attack power. After you lay down a card, you draw a card from the same pile it came from.  
Taylor: You can opt to keep a weapon in your hand(s), but items are a one time use.  
Robin: Makes sense.  
Taylor: An item can be used to either be a weapon, heal you, make you stronger for one turn, or activate a special effect.  
Dave: Defense & Counter cards are used to either minimize or reduce damage. If the defense cards number is equal to the attack points of the attacking player or higher, the attack is nullified. If it is lower, you take the difference in damage. A counter is different. If the number is lowered, the counter is stopped & the player takes full damage.  
Orochi: What about magic & special attacks?  
Taylor: I'd knew you'd ask about that...

Dave: Magic is what it is, magic spells your particular character an use. You have your offense, defense, healing &, as always, summoning.  
Taylor: Since Shingo's card is considered a dark aligned card, it's magic will comprise mainly of offensive magic spells, like fire, bolt, etc. His deck won't have too many healing magic cards.   
Dave: Summoning, however, is a different matter. There's two types: Regular & Integration.  
Taylor: Regular summons have two ways of working. For characters that lean in the magic department, they can use their MPs to summon the spirit. For guys like me, we need to have a certain card to invoke the spirit in question. In addition, we need to pay a certain amount of HP and/or AP to make it work.  
Dave: Integration, however, is another thing entirely. Certain characters will have shaman abilities. That means that they can let a spirit possess their body & let them have access to their powers.   
Taylor: For the shaman-themed summons, the character must pay a certain amount of LP.   
Dave: Oh, before I forget, there's also SP. Skill points to be precise. They are MP & KP mixed together, so you don't have to sacrifice any of your health.  
Taylor: When a integration is done, the main character card is replaced with the 'Integration' character card. It's there as long as the player is willing to keep the integration going.  
Dave: Special Attack cards are cards that the character uses to launch a move, like say a hadouken or Taylor's favorite, 'Captain Blue Kick!' The KP amount is on the card, just like MP.   
Taylor: Now here's a kicker: When you do a special attack, you can opt to use some MPs to enhance the attack, creating some unique possibilities.  
Dave: Each player, after a round is over, recovers 20 KPs & MPs.  
Robin: Ok, the main character cards, I have a little question. How many different types of main character cards would a character have?  
Taylor: Each player has 4 different main character cards. Kinda like alter ego cards. The 'Integration' cards are separate.  
Dave: If you want to switch the main character card, you'll need a special card in order to do so.  
Orochi: Wow. You thought of a lot of stuff.  
Taylor: Yeah...hey Shingo, wanna take over from here?

Shingo: Sure! First, let's explore a little bit on the character cards. (Pulls out a board.) Each deck's character has a certain alignment and the four main characters card has a different personality or job. For example, Taylor's 4 main character cards feature the roles of soldier, samurai, shaman & fighter. Since he has a shaman card, he gets to have at least 3 different Integration character cards.  
  
(Shingo holds up 4 of his character cards.)  
  
Shingo: Each one of the cards here have different attributes, like some may have better defense, attack or magic than others. But Integration cards are different. Since the character is possessed by the spirit it has summoned, the character can use 3 different attack moves exclusive to that card. The downside is that it uses AP & you cannot use your regular special attack cards. Now, magic cards...  
  
(pulls out a random card.)  
  
Shingo: You'll note the name of the card, this one being 'Fireball', the cost of MP you need & possible effects on certain types. The most damage a spell is allowed is around 1200. Healing spells can only go up to 1000.  
Robin: Wait, I gotta know again about the main character cards, what kind of roles are available?  
Shingo: Here's a short list  
  
fighter mage apprentice wizard  
ninja soldier hero  
samurai priest paladin  
geomancer necromancer shaman  
thief hacker engineer  
  
Shingo: ....there's more, of course, but our esteemed associate here can't be arsed to sit on his ass all day & write this stuff up.

_And now, back to the story..._  
  
Robin: What do you plan on doing? And how does any of it gonna make a lame ass like you any cooler?  
Kensou: Oh, you'll see, master of the lederhosen! You'll see.  
Aquaman As long as my right leg isn't lopped off, I'm happy as a salmon in spawning season.  
Robin: It's always you & those fish jokes that irk me.  
Aquaman: If you haven't noticed, I live in the sea. I come across a lot of fish jokes, so it's pretty obvious I'm gonna use them.  
Robin: Now if they didn't SUCK...  
Aquaman: This coming from a guy who names everything after a muthafucking blind mammal. You have Bat-rope, Bat-cuffs, Bat-copter, Bat-computer. What else ya got? Bat cookies? Bat-condoms? How about Bat-laxative? You got any of that on hand right now?  
Robin: Hardy har har?  
Aquaman: And look at how you dress? How the fuck is anyone supposed to fear you? Batman, yeah, he's a legitimate badass. You look like a runaway circus dork with some sexual identity issues.  
Robin: Oh, and I suppose you look menacing yourself with that day glo orange get up. And that belt...is that your actual symbol or did you steal it from an arts & craft shop?  
Kensou: Guys...  
Bludd Maybe we should just let these guys kill one another. Saves me the paperwork.  
B. Manta: And we save on ammo costs.  
Kensou: Excuse me, dumbass & dumbass junior. Let me work. (Rolls up sleeves. From out of his pockets, he pulls several slips of yellow paper with mandarin on them.)  
Robin: What are you...  
Kensou: Prepare yourself, for you trifle with not Sie Kensou the fighter but...KENSOU THE DAO SHI, THE CORPSE HERDER!!!!  
L. Hama: Oh, crap! This is bad.  
Bludd: What do ya mean, mate?  
L. Hama How can I put this accurately...think of the worst possible ass kicking you've ever had in your life...then imagine, just as you get up, in a slow recovering daze, someone 100 times bigger comes along, eats the guy who kicked your ass & proceeds to smack you around with it's pinky.  
B. Manta: That bad?  
L. Hama No, worse.

B. Manta: So, just what does a dao shi do?  
L. Hama: Well, it's like this. A Dao Shi is the Chinese version of the much fabled necromancer, first mentioned in the Hobbit. It was originally one of the many guises of Sauron before the War of The Rings.  
B. Manta: What's this hobbit mumbo jumbo?  
L. Hama: I forget, Atlantis doesn't get books from the surface. Anyway, the Dao Shi can use corpses to do his bidding, be it simple as servants work, or as gruesome as harvesting organs for their dark rituals.  
Aquaman: All of a sudden, I wish our alliance was terminated.  
Kensou: I don't harvest organs. That's a popular urban myth someone spread around. If anything, it's that creepy Dr. Fate you should be watching out for.  
L. Hama: The Dao shi's orders are the only ones the corpses will follow. They have no feeling, no thought & will not rest until their task is complete & their foes vanquished.  
Bludd: Can I point something out?  
L. Hama: Sure.  
Bludd: One, we're all located in the middle of an undersea base in the Atlantic Ocean. Two, we are nowhere near a graveyard. Three, he has no corpses on hands. Unless he has a device that can open up a wormhole that will enable his army of the damned undead to wreak havoc & feast upon our meaty nutrient filled flesh, I'm positive we have nothing to worry about.  
Kensou: Do you now? Really? Robin, let loose the hounds!  
Robin: But they're not hounds...& technically speaking, they're not much of anything really...  
Kensou: UNLEASH I SAY!  
Robin: Fine.  
  
(Robin opens a door. From the hallways come a horde of undead pirates, wielding cutlasses, daggers & pistols. Each have paper talismans on their heads )  
  
Bludd: ...crap.  
B. Manta: Of course, when I mentioned in this morning's briefing that this area was rife with wrecks of pirate ships, I never bothered to consider the possibilities of a Dao Shi using them.  
L. Hama: Pirates, huh? Looks like we need but one man to handle this. (Snaps his fingers)  
Kensou: And what, pretell, can you possibly get to counter the awesomeness of undead zombie pirates.  
  
(Storm Shadow somersaults into the area)

(Meanwhile, back at the LOD HQ...)  
  
Geese: Is everything all set?  
L. Luthor: Yes.  
Geese: Cool. Alright Bison, let's begin.  
Bison: Sweet. (Rolls out a huge diagram)  
Geese: As all of us know, we've been training the Legion to be a far effective crime syndicate.   
Harley: True, true.  
Geese: And after through testing & training, the 4 of us have come to the most agreed upon conclusion...our 'partners' are, without a shadow of a doubt, completely, absolutely, with no doubt, morons.  
LL: Yes...in making the original LOD, I was hoping that their skills would somehow balance out in the end. Of course, factoring in their ineptitude, lack of foresight, ambition & resourcefulness, it was doomed from the start.  
Bison: Really, what use is Black Manta anyway? He's like a evil scuba diver, only with a spear. And Giganta is almost as useless as Apache Chief.  
Geese: I dunno ,there could have been some use for a woman who can grow large like that?  
Bison: Like how? There's no point in having someone with that power when someone else has the same power. The only reason Sinestral is on the payroll is because green & yellow cancel each other out.   
Geese: Can't disagree with that...but did the Joker have to die?  
Bison: Blame him. (Points to Taylor, who is still typing)  
Harley: Anyway, what are we gonna do about Manta? He did, after all, switch over to Cobra.  
Geese: All part of Luthor's master plan.  
LL: Yeah, I figured the less chance of him fucking things up the better, so I called in a few favors with a buddy of mine in Cobra. He should be their headache now.  
Bison: So, what about the rest of the LOD?  
LL: They will be preoccupied. You see, I've figured out that no matter what we do, the Super friends, even with their weakest members, still run us into the ground. So, the plan is simple: distract them.  
Harley: Global domination would be nice, until you realize that there is always some way for the heroes to overthrow you. Time travel, chosen one, betrayal by your right hand man...name it & it's been done.  
LL: Superheroes always seem to fall for the distraction bid. It's the follow through we suck at.   
Bison: Right...goddamned Dolls...  
Geese: So instead of going for domination, we are all gunning for...  
LL: Money. Cash. Moolah. Friends, we all are here to get fucking paid. The domination deal blows chunks, so why not just settle for getting even more filthy stinking rich, am I right?  
Geese: You're goddamned right!  
LL: First, we're gonna send the rest of the LOD off on a mission to capture & hold the UN as hostages. That will give us more than enough time to focus on our real goal. Harley?  
Harley: Gentlemen, this here is a map of the estate of Eldric Manor, deep within the Rocky Mountains. We're about to pull off the most fabulous heist of the century.   
Bison: Heists, eh? Never can get enough of those! What are we looking to lift?  
Harley: Aside from breaking into a vault that contains over 500 billion in money, stocks, bonds & all other assorted crap, here's the main target. (Holds up a picture of a large golden throne)  
LL: This here is a treasure that no one in the outside world, save for us, knows about. This is the golden throne of Ramses I.   
Geese: Damn! That thing must be worth a fortune.  
Bison: Strange, I thought we would have heard about this from a museum or something.  
Harley: As you know, many records have been lost over the years. But after looking through various tomes that I stile to pay for my Ferrari, which I stole anyway, I found a few interesting notes.

LL: The throne was a gift to the pharaoh from a nearby country. However, it got lost en route to Egypt & was thought to be lost.  
Harley: Now meet the owner of the throne (Hold up a picture of an elderly Chinese man) This is Wu Fong. As you all know, he's a multi-billionaire with a huge stake in the communications & security market. and he's also a pretty vicious Triad lord.  
Bison: I've met him once in the annual Overlords Timeshare Meeting.  
Geese: How is he?  
Bison: He had a bellboy's jaw removed for mispronouncing manghwa.  
Geese: Oh.  
Harley: He's got all sorts of security measures built into the manor, which he bought specifically for the keeping of the throne. Of course, if you factor in the fact that all of us, save Luthor, are from the future & this is the late 70s, we have an edge in the tech department.  
LL: This is where I come in.

Geese: Indulge us, if you will. What do you have in store for us?  
LL: Given the technology given to me from the future, I was able to craft a few gadgets that we'll need to break into the mansion. But the most important thing is the blueprints. We need those in order to get in without a hitch.  
Bison: Right. It shouldn't be too hard to get a hold of the copy of those blueprints, right?  
Geese: Not so fast, kemosabe.  
Harley: Wu's a pretty shrewd cat. He's got all but one of the copies destroyed. The one remaining copy is locked up good & tight in a little vault all it's own.  
LL: Fortunately, I anticipated that. I've hired a couple of old friends of ours to break into the vault for us.  
Bison: Really?  
Geese: Who?  
  
(Somewhere in Hong Kong, in a seemingly abandoned castle...)  
  
Catwoman: Explain again why we're doing this?  
Rugal: Because you like to travel, I like the challenge & we both like the smell of cash in the morning. You've got the stuff we need?  
Catwoman: Right here. (Holds up satchel) There's only one guard & he has both the card keys.  
Rugal: Right. And since lethal force is frowned upon at the moment, I've got just the thing.  
  
(The two sneak up a few feet from the guard's booth. Rugal looks through his scope & sees the guard drinking from a cup of coffee.)  
  
Rugal: Ha! My kids could easily get this right.  
Catwoman: You have kids?  
Rugal: Unbelievably, yeah. I kinda had a little fling with a Hawaiian girl.   
Catwoman: I always thought you were a little...  
Rugal: No. If anyone I a little 'off', it's that Iron Fist guy. His costume just isn't right. Ok, time to get a paycheck for poppa!  
  
(Rugal takes out a small blowgun. A little huff later, a small ball is shot into the guards coffee mug.)  
  
Rugal: Now just watch this.  
  
(The guard takes a sip from his mug. Suddenly, he clutches his sides in agony & ruches off to a nearby port potty.)  
  
Rugal: A little chemical of my own design. Not only will he be forced to use the facilities, but as soon as his bowels are emptied, he'll be knocked out for 20 minutes. More than enough time for us to get his keys & get to the vault.  
Catwoman: I must say, brilliant thinking...but YOU'RE gonna get the keys.  
Rugal: Huh? Oh....crap.

(A few minutes later, Rugal & Catwoman find themselves walking down a long hallway)  
  
Catwoman: So, how much further until we get there?  
Rugal: Just a few more doors down...ah, here we are. Section 23-AS. We should find what we are looking for in here.  
  
(The two swipe their cardkeys. The steel doors slide open to reveal a long corridor. Near the end is a lone wooden door.)  
  
Rugal: Ah. It looks like a piece of cake, no?  
Catwoman: Yeah...that's the problem. (Takes out her infrared goggles, and then hands a pair to Rugal.) Pretty ingenious, no.  
Rugal: Infrared beams, pressure sensitive panels, a few trap doors...this guys through. So, looks like I'll have to do something about that.  
  
(From his pockets, Rugal produces a small black ball & sets it down on the floor.)  
  
Rugal: Let's step outside for a moment.  
  
(The two go out. A few seconds later, a bright blue light flashes. The duo step back inside.)  
  
Catwoman: An EMP grenade? I didn't know they still made those.  
Rugal They're rather expensive to come by. But I find if you need to pull off a good heist they are worth the effort in making.   
  
(In the next room, a lone cabinet is found. Catwoman looks around the room.)  
  
Rugal: So, what do you think? Is the old coot paranoid enough to booby trap a file cabinet?  
Catwoman: Wouldn't put it past him...I'd say that there's probably an explosive rigged with that lock. And judging by the location of those vents, the room will fill up with poison gas the minute we successfully pick the lock.  
Rugal: In short, we need the correct key.  
Catwoman: Yes. And fortunately for me, I have it. (pulls out that fancy key gadget from Big O)  
Rugal: Smart girl.

(A few minutes later, Rugal & Catwoman drive off with the goods)  
  
Rugal: Ah, nothing like a heist to liven up the evening. So, I just have to ask...  
Catwoman: I like men, ok? Don't let the leather fool you.  
Rugal: No, not that. I just have to know...don't you think that the tampering of these gates into the past & present will have some unresolved effect?  
Catwoman: Heroes & villains have been doing this stuff for years. It took those goobers 4 minutes to figure out how to properly make some cash off of it.  
Rugal: True...but I have to ask, who keeps on making these damn holes in time?  
Catwoman: The writer. Somehow, writers seem to be able to twist & bend the laws of time & space in a limited fashion.  
Rugal: That's not fair! I mean, I thought the game programmers abused it enough with dream matches & such!  
Catwoman: I know, I know. Artists are no fun either. I've been taking care of 400 lawsuits in the past year alone for defamation of character. Some of these guys mean well, but really boys...  
Rugal: Ah, I wouldn't worry too much. If anything, at least you didn't do anything as stupid as that George Lucas lawsuit.  
Catwoman: Yeah, I remember that one...Jesus, the movie was bad enough, suing the makers of 'Star Ballz' just gives them more attention.  
Rugal: Wait, you actually SAW that?  
Catwoman: Sadly, yes...it was a girl's night out...Harley, Supergirl & Powergirl were incredibly drunk & had free access to Oracle's computer. Robin will never be the same again...  
Rugal: Err, which one? Tim or the all new surly one?  
Catwoman: Tim of course...Let's get these blueprints delivered, 'cause I want to have a word with the writer...  
  
_Speak of the devil_  
  
(Taylor types away at the computer as Mature enters)  
  
Taylor: I'm working on the card game, what do you need?  
Mature: I think we need to talk about the upcoming segment.  
Taylor: Which? The ninja comedy, botched takeover & battle of complete dumbasses or Lupin III tribute?  
Mature: All...let me be honest, I think the audience here is all but dead. With the exception of us, I think this story kind of feels out pf place.  
Taylor: Yeah...and all the pop culture stuff flies over their heads...Hey Optimus!!!  
  
(Optimus Prime walks in.)  
  
Optimus: What is it, I'm formatting my built in laptop & DVD burner?  
Taylor: Tell the others we're taking the story to fanfiction.net tomorrow.  
Optimus: Really? I thought we were debuting my segment today.  
Mature: No, we'll have to do that later. I'll call the extra bouncy ninjas to order.  
Taylor: And I'll just hit this switch. (Presses a button.  
Voice: ATTENTION!! YOU HAVE SET THE COMEDY METER FROM WHACKY NERD HUMOR TO MILD ECCI FLUFF!! YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF GAMESPOT ACCORDANCFE #123453789906!!!! LEAVE THE AREA AT ONCE OR FACE THE MIGHT OF THE GORONSPOT TASK FORCE!!!!  
Taylor: I knew Shingo was right...just never wanted to admit he could be right about ANYTHING.....


End file.
